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Nans lung cancer Diary #1

I've decided to start this diary. I'm not really sure why. Partly in the hopes that getting it all down on paper might take it out of my head? or even just help my emotions a little would be a plus. Or maybe so someday I can revsit it andshare these feeling I'm having in the hopes that it might help other the family members and loved ones of other sufferers.  I mean, I dont know really how it would help because I know this diary is going to be nothing more than pages and pages of negativity and misery. Maybe it will let others know its normal to feel this way? I dont freaking know. But if you're reading this it means I've made it public somewhere down the lines so just be warned it's not going to inspirational or in anyway positive. And if that's what you're looking for, look away now. All I know is that I need some kind of outburst soon before I burst.

It's been a month since I found out Nans has terminal cancer. I didn't sleep for the first two weeks. I thought things might get easier but they are not. I'm not dealing with this at all. Every day I feel more and more heartbroken and every day it feels more and more real.

I read in a book once that cancer patients go through all different sorts of stages about their progonsis before they eventually reach some form of acceptance. I wonder if it's the same stages for their loved ones too? I'm no expert but I guess so.

I think I'm still stuck somewhere between denial and anger. Not that anger is a strong enough word. It's more like rage. It's weird what the human brain can do because from the day my mum told me I was devestated. Heartbroken. But by day 2 I could feel my brain trying to pretend it wasn't happening. It sounds mental but I think it's trying to protect me. Because if I start breaking down I'm not going to stop. I wont be able to pull it back together.The thought of losing Nans..I just can't even go there. So my brain quite simply just isn't letting me go there.

It is quite incredible when you think about it. What the brain can do. Everytime I talk about Nans with anyone my brain immediately tricks me into thinking I'm talking about someone else. Not my nans. Not our nans. It's somebody else. Just somebody else with the same name. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to about it. My mum..Bec..even Nans herself. My brain is just shutting it down.

And to be honest I think it's starting to make me look really cold hearted. Infact, I know it is. The fact everyone else is crying and I'm not. But it just like my brain knows that if I start crying I wont ever be able to stop.  & so it's trying to protect me in any way that it can. Then it makes me wonder who elses brain is doing the same for them? Bec? I think so yeah. My mum? I would imagine so. Greg? Hesta? Molly? Even Nans herself? I dont know. I just know its not the sort of thing I can just drop into a conversation 'hey is your brain pretending that there's somebody else called nans with cancer and not our nans too or is it just me?" I think they might think I'm losing the plot.

Then there's the rage. It's consuming me. It's scaring me a bit - how angry I feel. I'm so angry. SO ANGRY. & I don't even know who my anger is directed at. The universe? The powers that be? The stupid fucking god that so many people seem to think is up there? Why Nans. It's the same mantra going round in my head over and over. The constant need to smash everything in my sight when my mind even breezes over it for that split second before I force myself to push it back down. Because how is it fair? How is this fucking fair? Nans is the most selfless womnan I know. She's worked her ass off on a fucking cancer ward for a million years for fucks sake. I mean what kind of sick joke is this eh "GOD"? I dont know anyone who deserves to get cancer less than her. Not that anyone deserves to get cancer. Well actually, yes there is. Billions of people I'd rather habe cancer than her. Criminals - rapists, murderers? Why can't THEY get cancer and take the odds of it away from the good people. Suicidal people..people who are going to be ending their lives anyway, can they get it and minimize those odds even more? is it wrong to think this? Yes, most definately. But I dont even freaking care right now. Anybody. Just not Nans.

Then there's the anger I'm feeling at myself. Anger that I'm not doing more to help. That I can't do any more to help. I dont care if I'm being harsh on myself..if you're reading this you're probably thinking what more can you possibly do for a person that's terminal? Infact I just heard Becca's voice in my head. "Your not god Gail. You can't decide who lives and who dies. Do you think if we had the power to do that we'd not have changed the course of mums future already?" But fuck. I just want do DO something to help.

I also feel angry at myself for feeling so effected by this. & this is the biggie. The thing I feel most uncomfortable writing out. Nobody knows how much this is effecting me because I don't feel like I want people to know. Mum and Bec. They have the right. They have the right to smash up their houses on a daily basis and refuse to come out from under the covers if they don't want to. They have the right to not eat and drink and sleep. Nans. She has the right more than anyone. But me? No I don't have that right. My devestation is not the same as their devestation, does not deserve to be the same as their devestation and I feel guilty for feeling this way. I need to feel grateful that I've been given life and a future. I need to take the positives from this. So why isn't the big C the eye opener to how lucky you are, that people say is it? And why aren't I feeling greatful and positive.

I feel like if I even sat down and tried to explain to someone, a counsellor, a stranger, whoever, how I'm feeling I'd just get a look. A dont you think you're being slightly over dramatic look? She's just your auntie. They'd probably say. It's not like its YOUR mum. and yes that's true, to an extent, but it's also not true at all. In the same way Becca's not just a cousin. She's a sister. Nans is a second mum. Not just an auntie.
But honestly you just cant explain that to somehow without explaining your whole back story. How you've grown up with these people from the day you were born. You've shared so much together as a family unit - the best of times, the worst of times. And all the laughs and trauma in between. My family are so much more than aunties and cousins.  But noone will get it. It's not even worth trying to explain. Just..No-one will get it.

I don't know how often I'm going to be updating this diary. Maybe just every time I feel like my thoughts are going to explode out of me. Or maybe more regularly. I don't know. I just hope it helps. 

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